I’m taking a summer course on grief and loss. For our second assignment, we were asked to reflect on the following prompts (with my thoughts below each prompt) and to share them with the class:
Discuss what most resonated with you in the Neimeyer YouTube video.
Neimeyer gently yet starkly puts forth the notion that we will eventually lose everyone and everything we love. The candidness and simplicity with which he spoke about the impermanence of life as well as the universality of it struck me. To grapple with that sobering reality, one in which Irvin Yalom refers to as a “given” of the human condition, translates to a reconfiguration of the way I view and interpret the centrality of grief and loss. Deeply connecting to that shared experience binds me to others in humanity and invites me to bring compassion, humility, and vulnerability to my interactions with clients (De School voor Transitie, 2017).
What is Meaning Making according to Robert Neimeyer? How might you use this concept to support your work with clients?
Meaning Making is a process by which a grieving person interprets, understands, and makes sense of a life that has been challenged by a perturbing loss (Dennis et al., 2014, p. 489). As a clinician, I see my role as an ally or guide, one in which I facilitate dialogue and reflection with the client in order to help them make sense of these losses. I’d encourage them to tell the story of their past and present, as well as construct a new normal for their future. As Neimeyer suggests, human beings want to “story” events in a way that organizes their temporal experience in terms of plots that have meaningful beginnings, middles, and ends (Dennis et al., 2014, p. 487). I’d engage them in a “restorying,” by supporting them to mourn their “loss of an assumptive world” and begin to generate hope again, wherever possible (Bowman, 1999, p. 180-181). Making sense of their lives through narratives, which serve both as a vehicle for that synthesis as well as a potential catalyst for hope, is a crucial component of Meaning Making. As Barbara Kingsolver aptly and poetically puts it:
Every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job or a limb or a loved one…In my own worst seasons I’ve come back from the colorless world of despair by forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing: a flame of red geranium outside my bedroom window. And then another: my daughter in a yellow dress. And another: the perfect outline of a full, dark sphere behind the crescent moon. Until I learned to be in love with my life again…I have taught myself joy, over and over again (Bowman, 1999, p. 189).
What is a continued bond and why is it important?
A “continuing bond” is a form of “ongoing attachment” or continued relationship with the deceased (Davies et al., 2006, p. 818-819). It is a way for the bereaved to preserve their relationship with those who have passed, and that process is critical to coping and adjustment (in contrast to past wisdom that “moving on” was the best way to heal). “Ongoing attachment” can include the process of regretting, understanding, “catching up,” reaffirming, influencing, and reuniting (Davies et al., 2006, p. 821). Individuals maintain those bonds in different ways, and it can be an amalgam of preserving memories (e.g., looking at pictures), connecting to spirituality (e.g., invoking God in prayer for the deceased), “carrying” the deceased into one’s life without replacing them (e.g., running a marathon in honor of a deceased sibling), etc (Davies et al., 2006, p. 821-822).
Briefly share your understanding of the 3 Ps of practice referenced in the video. What most resonated with you about these concepts?
The three P’s of practice are Presence, Process, and Procedure. Presence, according to Neimeyer, refers to an ability to bring our attention to an interaction unguarded, vulnerable, and open. It is about having the courage to “show up” to whatever the client brings forward, however difficult or perplexing their experience might be, with a deep compassionate curiosity to know their world with more clarity (De School voor Transitie, 2017).
Process involves listening to what our clients tell us and how they tell it to us, reading the language of gesture and expression, and hearing the way in which language is used (e.g., the pauses that precede something important or accentuate a phrase). Second, it is a bodily experience and entails feeling within ourselves some version of what our clients are feeling within them. It’s a deep listening to better understand our clients’ life experiences (De School voor Transitie, 2017).
Procedure refers to tools or techniques that we utilize with clients (e.g., ‘hello again’ letters, tracing a timeline, etc.). The tool that we choose to use will depend on theories (that are appropriate for the moment), preferences, unique styles, and personalities. These techniques are useful only if they match what the client needs at any given time.
Neimeyer singled out presence as arguably the most important ingredient for a “successful” interaction with a grieving client. I’ve been thinking about the idea of presence lately, and it is becoming increasingly clear to me that presence may be the most important characteristic of a therapist. It is a simple way of being, yet incredibly difficult to embody; because it demands relinquishing of one’s ego: sense of righteousness, correctness, and self-importance. That kind of existence requires a substantial amount of mindfulness.
What role do curiosity, openness, and collaboration play in supporting grieving clients? Why might judgment stand in the way of curiosity?
To be curious about and open to a client’s story is to orient ourselves towards learning. Curiosity demands asking questions in order to better understand, and it compels us to uncover the unfamiliar in order to acquaint ourselves with something new. It’s a “curious questioning,” in which we make “as few assumptions as possible” about our clients (De School voor Transitie, 2017). Exposure alone, however, does not necessarily lead to learning; it needs to be reinforced by an openness (to new experiences). And that requires a vulnerability and a sort of implicit admission that one’s personal experience is not the only experience that matters nor the only one that makes sense. We must “take residence” in our clients’ world. That acknowledgement and humility creates space for learning to take hold and for us to be present in our interactions — a critical first step in the “meaning making” process (De School voor Transitie, 2017). Judgment, on the other hand, precludes curiosity, almost by definition, insofar that the act of judging or forming a conclusion or opinion means a decision has been made, and therefore, further inquiry is no longer needed.
A couple of reactions below. The first one is from my instructor, and the second is from my friend, Jillian:
Joe-this is a MAGNIFICENT reflection. I want to highlight a quote from one of our readings that you shared because it is so beautiful and sums up SO much of what Neimeyer is saying in his work. Honor the story, find ways to shift from deeply honoring loss to noticing simple beauty and back to loss again. We help clients learn to do this, to trust that healing CAN happen, to exquisitely, mindfully and authentically witness the pain and the growth. So much said in the gorgeous quote!
“Every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job or a limb or a loved one…In my own worst seasons I’ve come back from the colorless world of despair by forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing: a flame of red geranium outside my bedroom window. And then another: my daughter in a yellow dress. And another: the perfect outline of a full, dark sphere behind the crescent moon. Until I learned to be in love with my life again…I have taught myself joy, over and over again” (Bowman, 1999, p. 189).
Hi Joe,
I appreciate you saying that "we will eventually lose everyone and everything we love" in your reflection. I think your words highlight just how important this kind of class is not just for social workers but for everyone.
I also think you described the three Ps very well. I was thinking about how different social work roles emphasize the Ps differently. For instance, when I shadowed you in the trauma unit at Jefferson, it felt like our main purpose (assessment) aligned most with procedure which I know was difficult at times since there wasn't much room for us to practice presence. I loved reading your thoughts!
References
Bowman, T. (1999). Shattered dreams, resiliency, and hope: “Restorying” after loss. Journal of Personal and Interpersonal Loss, 99(2), 179-193. https://doi.org/10.1080/10811449908409725
Davies, B., Horsley, H., Kramer, R., & Packman W. (2006). Sibling Bereavement and Continuing Bonds. Death Studies, 30(9), 817-841. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481180600886603
De School voor Transitie. (2017, September 28). Life transitions and the role of the coach: An interview with professor Robert Neimeyer Ph.D. by Jakob van Wielink.
Dennis, M.R., Klass, D., & Neimeyer, R.A. (2014). A Social Constructionist Account of Grief: Loss and the Narration of Meaning. Death Studies, 38(8), 485-498. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2014.913454